MIRACLES AND WONDERS INNOCENT QUESTIONS Innocent Question #8675309 ~ Eagle-eyed customers at a British pet shop recently noticed that the scales on a two-year-old albino Oscar fish mimick the Arabic script for the words "Allah" on one side, and "Muhammed" on the other. So how long do you think it will be before hordes of head-slapping fundamentalist lunatics storm the oceans in protest? Innocent Question #8675310 ~ Why the fuck was Turki al-Faisal -- Saudi prince, CIA operative and acquaintance of both Osama bin Laden and Mullah Omar -- sitting in the gallery during Preznit Dubya's State of the Union address? Innocent Question #8675311 ~ Which of these two failed merchandizing ideas by ex-gay porn star Jeff Stryker is more "gay": the Pop You in the Pooper novelty single, or the anatomically correct action figure? Innocent Question #8675312 ~ In light of the fact that scientists have captured on video the process by which mercury causes severe foreshortening of nerve growth... when are you going to get all those silver amalgamate fillings yanked out of your head? Innocent Question #8675313 ~ Does this story about the coming crackdown on the Internet -- which the Pentagon now officially regards as an enemy weapons system -- make the little hairs on your balls move around, like it does the little hairs on mine? Innocent Question #8675314 ~ Now that federal aid shortfalls have forced New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin to look to other nations for help in rebuilding his hurricane-ravaged city, do you think Preznit Dubya feels shame, or relief? Innocent Question #8675315 ~ How the Hell did this idiot pull off hanging himself in the cramped confines of an airport lavatory?! Innocent Question #8675316 ~ What happens when you have leftover toys from your childhood, a grim sense of humor, and way too much time on your hands? This, maybe? Innocent Question #8675317 ~ With the murder of Curious George co-creator Alan Shalleck occurring within days of the big budget Curious George movie premiere, is it time to revise the old maxim about how "there's no such thing as bad publicity"? Innocent Question #8675318 ~ Have you ever seen anything this fucking disgusting in your entire, miserable life? Because yer old pal Jerky's pretty sure he hasn't. Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com

ON THIS DAY February 8 On this day in 1587, Mary, Queen of Scots is beheaded for having allegedly fomented Catholic plots against her rival, Queen Elizabeth. It took three whacks of the axe to accomplished the job. And after the deed was done, when the executioner picked up her severed head to display it to the crowd, her head tumbled out of her wig and weebled around on the dusty planks. She always did have a great sense of humor! On this day in 1692, a doctor in Salem, Massachusetts declares that three teenage girls are possessed by the Devil, thus beginning the chain of events that would culminate in the Salem witch trials, the executions of 19 innocent people, and the jailing of scores more. On this day in 1983, famed racehorse Shergar is kidnapped by parties unknown in Ireland. The fate of the horse is still unknown, but yer old pal Jerky is pretty sure some Frenchmen ate him. According to Google's archives, this day in 1990 was the first time ever that a disruptive Usenet poster, spoiling for a fight and fishing for insults, was dubbed a "troll" by other posters.

THEY SAID IT! "Yes, my skeptical friends believe that the Bush administration cynically smeared the war records of both John Kerry and John McCain during the 2000 presidential election through the use of shill agencies. Yes, they believe there was suppression of black voters in Florida, and other schemes to cheat their way into the White House in the 2000 election. Yes, they believe the administration conspired to rig the intelligence they used to justify their invasion of Iraq. Yes, if they are regular readers of The New Yorker, they believe that the election fraud was worse in 2004, with rigged ballot machines, in Ohio in particular, being used to great effect. And, yes, they believe in massive wrong-doing and cover-up regarding October Surprise and the Iran/Contra affair, as well as the CIA-orchestrated overthrows of democracies in Chile and Iran, to name only two well-known examples. But no, they don’t believe in conspiracy theories." - Philip Sherman Gordon's report on professor Steven Jones's 9/11 presentation to a standing-room only audience on the campus of Utah Valley State College on February 1 is worth reading for a number of reasons. *** **** *** "America is a dangerous place, and to find community demands as much as any of us can give. But if America is dangerous, its little utopias, asking nothing, promising safety, are usually worse." - Frank Zappa (1940-1993), a real American hero.

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by Hank! A man walks into a drug store with his son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks,"What are these, Dad?" To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex." "Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?" The dad replies,"Those are for high school boys: ONE for Friday, ONE for Saturday, and ONE for Sunday." "Cool,"says the boy. He notices a 6-pack and asks, "Then who are these for?" "Those are for college men," the dad answers: TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday." "WOW!" exclaimed the boy. "Then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those are for the married men: ONE for January, ONE for February, ONE for March..." *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal Caleb for sending in today's second joke. All eyes were on the lovely bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the pastor smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back a credit card. WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's groaner was sent in by Jenkin Brown... Morris realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but he felt unwilling to spend much money. "How much do they cost?" he asked the salesperson. "That depends," he said. "They run from $2.00 to $2,000." "Let's see the $2.00 model," said Morris the miser. The salesperson put the device around Morris' neck. "You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down to your pocket," he instructed. "How does it work?" , asked Morris. "For $2.00 it doesn't work," the salesperson replied. "But when people see it on you, they'll talk louder."

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: MOHAMMED: THE MAN, THE ICON! care of: Dex Hey, OPJ, I am quite dissapointed. You don't say shit about the cartoon induced rage of the muslims. This shit is bigger then any crap happening in good old US of A right now. Here's my take on it: 1. This is used by Iran to draw attention away from its nuclear ambitions. They try to prove to muslims that the west hates islam and mocks their values, and that's why they don't allow them to build the bomb ...ahem... i mean power plants for peaceful purposes. Here are a few pros: Cartoons are 6 months old, but the shit hit the fan just now. Apparently imams waited for a sign to reveal this shit to dumb ass masses. And also it seems they were full of shit, saying the gov of Denmark ran the newspaper and they planed to rewrite the Quran (Koran) - this are some fat ass lies - just to inflame the hot heads (which that region is full of) - Protests started in Damasc (Syria) and Beirut (Lebanon). Lebanon is under heavy Syrian influence, so it's very plausible that Syria planned this shit. Syria is a close friend of Iran. 2. This fuckers (the ones protesting and burning shit) are so retarded they can't understand the difference between press (free press that is) and government. They are beeing fed lies by their religious leaders and they buy that without ever questioning if they are beeing told the truth or not. With such people it's impossible to implement democracy, so there is another argument against the war in Iraq 3. Religious leaders and fanatics go to europe, they benefit the freedom of expression to publish their ideas and then want to bomb the newspapers when they print something they don't like. Also, arabian newspapers have published far worse caricatures aimed at israel/jews in principal. Far more outrageous but that was ok. Now, if it's their prophet, it's a very very sensitive subject. If it was them making fun of another religion, well .... that's no problem. How's that for a hypocritical bunch of assholes ??? 4. It's THEIR religion, that forbids THEM to print/draw Mohammed. Not us. They don't like it here, in Europe, then just stay the fuck in Saudi Arabia and be beheaded if you break the law. You don't like the paper, then just don't buy it. I think Europe has been TOO damn soft on this issue. On their land, they impose their laws. Which is fine. But then they come here and they use our freedoms to try and make us respect their laws and customs !??!? Fuck that shit. If Europe is not firm enough this time, i am afraid sooner or later sharia will become the law in Europe too. Which is not a very comforting thought. 5. This might be the proverbial straw that breaks the proverbial camel's back. After the riots in france in autumn, this looks like a pan-european intifada waiting to happen. If they start burning cars and stuff again, and maybe blowing a few things up, i guess police would be a little more tough on them (stuff like fire at sight and shoot first, ask questions later). If things escalate ... who knows what will happen ? With iran trying to have the nuclear bomb .... considering France said it would use nukes in case it felt threatened .... the US, Russia and China plus the 3 European bigs - Germany, France and England might just say they had enough of this arab shit and just invade the entire middle east and split the oil between themselves, just like the US, England and Russia did with Europe 60 years ago. That would mean a lot of free oil and far less headaches. Except for pakistan, which has the bomb but would be quickly overwhelmed in case they made a wrong move, there is really no muslim country in the world that could do shit about it. And if China is on-board, then except for Venezuela (whose oil would be far less important to US), Cuba and a few African nations to whom no-one listens too anyway, i don't think there'd be many others to raise their voice against it. True, this would be a human rights catastrophe, but so would allowing the muslims have their way in Europe. The spanish inquisition would seem like a joke and Torquemada would look like a very kind and gentle soul compared to what might happen if sharia takes over. So what's your take on it? And, are you going to publish those cartoons?! - YOP Dex [Will I be publishing the images? No. Will I have something to say about the craziness? Yes. Maybe even in today's Dirt. Just look up to see if I've done so. - Jerky] FIRST AMENDMENT ZONE / ASK JERKY! Dear Jerkster, Your front page musings of 02/02/06 are very Insightful and Provacative... though TRULY depressing, in a way. Think I was surprised (a little) at your rather belated realization that it has always been a LIE. Watch your back and keep a smile on your lips and song in your heart... that drives em CRAZY(er). YOP(I hope) IrishDave (P.S. Heard ya on the radio. You sounded FABULOUS.) [I'm still not sure it's always been, or always has to be, a lie. But I know for certain the current crop of PTB think it has, and it does. - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey jerky, don't let the way that things progress let you feel that you are getting the message out. Believe it or not you make a considerable difference. I routinely "educate" people with what comes from this site. Some of them even look it up (the dirt) and are more aware of what is happening. Maybe concentrate on the sexual content three of every four dirts and then hit the PTB in the fourth one. Anyway don't feel like no one hears or do some small or large thing when they hear the truth. It sometimes takes a while for humans to react to a change from what they have been doing. a j [If you don't like the porn ads, there's always www.dirtfiles.com, which now features the whole, entire Dirt. - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey Jerky, Don't give in yet maaan. There are still things to be considered and it will be a great feeling when all of us are vindicated. Truth will out in the end or words to that extent. Leo [I'll hold on as long as I can. BTW, everybody go to yesterday's Dirt and cut and paste the gun column! - Jerky] *** **** *** MOPJ, Watch the 1939 classic The Four Feathers.The main character writes a message to his comrades; "Don't Despair". I feel this is the only way we can get through these scary and troubling times. YOP, Ernie [That movie sounds fucking depressing. - Jerky] *** **** *** Hail Jerky One, Whew, for a while there I was afraid you were going to tell us that you finally realized that you were really a conservative at heart. ROTFLMAO! Cheers, YOPMick [You're very perceptive. My shadow almost devoured me, and it's still lurking in my peripheral vision. - Jerky] *** **** *** My old pal Jerky, I know what you mean about self-doubt, outrage fatigue, and disillusionment. I myself, and several other writers that I know are at a similar impasse. I write a blog which about 25 of my friends read, and I can't even get a comment out of them anymore. It's just too much. At some point it starts to feel like you're living in bizarro world. I spent a couple of years researching 9/11, only to give up in frustration simply because I don't want to end up like so many of the JFK researchers who spent 40 years trying to find the truth and came up with nothing except total ostricization. Even many talented journalists can't figure out what's going on anymore because there's so much going on and so much of it is impossible to understand. It reminds me of something William Gibson said in an interview in 1999. "The future isn't knowable because the present is incomprehensible." That interview, by the way, was recorded on a DVD called No Maps for These Territories. I highly suggest it. Things will get a LOT worse before they get better, so keep that gallows humor handy. In the words of Hunter S. Thompson, "It never gets weird enough for me." Keep on truckin, brother. Scooter [I guess a detatched kind of voyeurism is the only sensible stance for a thinking person in the world at this point. As for gallows humor, I already have the noose, so... - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey Jerky! I read your Dirt today and it made me a little upset. I understand your writer's block, as I feel unsure everytime I read/hear anything even remotely related to "news." I don't think there's anybody out there that trusts everything they read. Of course you're not always 100% right (who the hell is??), and you've always taken the high road and admitted it. However, we really need you Jerky. I've said it before, you have a great way of putting your thoughts into words, you're intelligent and funny as shit! Your opinions are obviously educated, based on research and thoughtfulness. You provide so many links for your readers to see for themselves and form their own opinions. I don't always agree with your assessment of a particular subject, but your opinion counts a lot to me. You're one of the few people who openly and honestly tell us the best truth you can. That's all anybody can ask. It upsets me that other information sources are folding like a cheap suit, under pressure I suppose, and I'd be really upset if it happened to the Dirt. You're better and stronger than that, Jerky! Your people need you! This reminds me of the latest advice you gave me, something like: You have to just do it to at least see for yourself. Much Peace & Love, Sindy [Will you marry me? - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com