MIRACLES AND WONDER! Don't let your kids know, but Betsy the giraffe was killed when she was hit by a bolt of lightning during a severe thunder storm last week at Disney's Animal Kingdom theme park, in Florida. Don't feel too bad, though, because, as one zookeeper told reporters: "To the best of my knowledge, it was a quick death." So basically, she just cooked right there where she stood… thank Godzilla for small favors! What with this fuckin' diet he's on, yer old pal Jerky wouldn't mind peeling a few sizzling chunks of giraffe steak off Betsy's piping-hot skeletal scaffolding, himself. Mmmm… MEAT!!! Anyhoo, it's not like this "tragedy" was anybody's fault or anything. Giraffes didn't get the nickname "lightning rods of the animal kingdom" for nothing! State forensic scientists in Connecticut are compiling a DNA database… of all the different varieties of marijuana grown across the United States of America! Damn! I hope they make this information available to the public, like they do with the identities of sex offenders on probation! Officially, a representative described the program as the first steps in a system that will eventually enable authorities to track the nation's pot distribution network, from grower to smoker. (Koff) Unofficially, yer old pal Jerky suspects this is nothing more than a way for detectives using the evidence room as their own personal stash closet to differentiate the primo sativa wheelchair weed from the "shake and oregano" rip-off crap they sometimes end up with. Either way, this is a plan that could only have been dreamed up by someone with more than a passing acquaintance with the demon weed, himself. Marc is standing in line, waiting for coffee, reading a print-out of an article his father e-mailed him. The article is critical of Preznit Dubya's administration. Marc gets coffee, goes to work, goes home, goes to bed. A week goes by. Marc goes to work. Gets phone call from Mom. "The FBI is here." Marc is about to get a taste of what he had previously only read about in Orwell and Kafka. Read this incredible story. It will make you want to rip your own balls off with rage. You won't be seeing this story on Oprah! Then again, maybe you will. Well… Sally Jesse, anyway. Does she even still have a show? Montel? Soleil Moon Frye? No? Anyway, televised scenes of tearful and joyous reunions notwithstanding, a Westfield, Massachusetts mother of three recently found out the hard way that, if you're adopted, you should never go looking for your biological parents. No matter how good your intentions going in, it invariably ends up in slashed tires, death threats and nuisance lawsuits. In this un-named woman's case, it was even worse than that. Her fairytale reunion was shattered when she walked in on the biological father she sought out and found less than a decade ago… molesting her 9-year-old daughter. "Unfortunately, yes I did find him," she told reporters outside the trail room this week, and, seemingly echoing yer old pal Jerky's feelings in this regard: "I wish I never did." Heed her words, all you adopted people out there! And always remember, you're better than normal! You're abnormal! Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com

ON THESE DAYS! July 25 On this day in 1999... a conflagration - half barbarian self-affirmation, half banal, suburban vandalism - errupted belch-like from the belly of a lost generation. The children of the seventies and eighties - the children of greed, selfishness and solipsism - had their Woodstock, and brother, it wasn't pretty. Better to call it Altamont '99. It's pointless to compare the hellish negativity of Woodstock 99 with the benign goofiness of its predecessor thirty years before, so why bother? There was public nudity at both events, sure, but the nudity of Woodstock 99 struck one as confrontational, vile and pathetic... it stank of the peep-show booth. Look at me! Touch me! It's all about my tits! Conservatives, of course, saw in Woodstock 99 a confirmation of their prejudices. "You see?! THIS is what happens when you allow a counterculture to thrive!" But most of these kids were either born or raised during the greatest surge of social conservatism this nation has ever known. These kids who were setting fire to everything that would burn, these kids who were overturning cars, trucks and ambulances for no other reason than it gave them a rush, these kids who looted concessions and sent merchants running for their lives - these are the bastard offspring of the dog-eat-dog, every-man-for-himself conservatism of Ronald Reagan and Margaret Thatcher. Brutal, narcisistic, and numb. Woodstock is dead... long live Woodstock. On this day in 1990, US Ambassador to Iraq April Glaspie tells Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein: "We have no opinion on your Arab-Arab conflicts, such as your dispute with Kuwait. Secretary Baker has directed me to emphasize the instruction, first given to Iraq in the 1960's, that the Kuwait issue is not associated with America." Four days later, Iraq invades Kuwait. A few months later, the United States bombs Iraq back into the Stone Age. BWAH-HA-HA-HA!!! We sure tricked'em, but good, didn't we?! July 26 On this day in the year 1928, Stanley Kubrick - cinematic sorcerer-king and philosopher-alchemist - enters the world kicking and screaming. During the time-span between the release of Dr. Strangelove in 1964, through the five years it took to film 2001: A Space Odyssey, continuing up until the premiere of Clockwork Orange in 1971, no popular artist had as firm a grasp on the hopes, fears, dreams and weaknesses of his generation as did Stanley Kubrick. Two-hundred years from now, if human beings are still around to watch and discuss film, Stanley Kubrick’s masterpieces will continue to be watched, revered and fiercely debated, while 99.999% of the tepid dreck that currently pollutes our movie screens will be blissfully forgotten. July 27 On this day in 1586, Sir Walter Raleigh brings the first ever shipment of tobacco from the New World (Virginia) to England, where the addiction takes firm hold and begins to spread - much like the cancerous polyps that were starting to develop in Renaissance lungs - across Europe, down through the Muslim lands and around Asia until basically, the whole planet is hooked and huffing. Combined with the arrival from the opposite direction of coffee - and caffeine - a mere thirty years later, is it any wonder that the ensuing centuries would seem so "productive" when compared to, say, the previous ten? On this day in 1837, the United States Mint opens in Charlotte, North Carolina. Exactly 7 years later to the day - in 1844 - it burns to the ground in a fire. Kinda makes you wonder why they bothered building it in the FIRST fuckin' place! On this day in 1991, "rocker" Jani Lane, of the "rock" group Warrant, marries a model by the name of Bobbie Brown. Hmmm… hold on, let yer old pal Jerky go get his consequentiality-measuring dookicky and run this item through it. Yep! Just as I thought! This is officially the single most inconsequential "on this day" item ever run in the Daily Dirt! You've just been witness to a little slice of history, folks! Give yourselves a round of applause! Go on, you deserve it!!!

THEY SAID IT! "Death is not enough. They should have been hung up on poles in a square in Baghdad so all Iraqis could see them. Then they should have died as people ate them alive." - Unlike many of his fellow countrymen, Baghdad businessman Khalil Ali's feelings about the killing of brothers Uday and Qusay Hussein are completely unambiguous. *** *** *** "Every week I would receive a news alert about another microbiologist dying. The story was all over the place but no one had really connected the deaths yet. I don't believe that much in coincidence. ... We don't usually get into the stories behind the stories. The news doesn't really go in depth. The majority of people in your country and in mine are being treated like mushrooms. We're being kept in the dark and having bullshit heaped over us. If there is a conspiracy and we don't pay attention to the signs, they're going to get away with it." - After a little bit of digging, London-based author Ian Gurney has discovered the connecting thread. Every one of the scientists in question had two things in common. They all died strange and/or grisly deaths, and they had all been working on projects related to biological warfare. Coinkeedink? Yeah. Right.

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by our old pal Andy S. A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: "Wife Wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal Junior Johnston for sending in today's second joke. "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale, and gave all my money to the church, would I get into heaven?" I asked the children in my Sunday school class. "NO!" all the children answered. "If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into heaven?" Again the answer was, "NO!" "Well," I continued, "then how can I get to heaven?" A five-year-old boy shouted, "You gotta be dead!" WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's shitty joke was sent in by Troublewater. Q: What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over? A: Doughnuts.

ASK JERKY! Relationship troubles? Philosophical quandaries? Nagging doubts about your spouse? Jerky knows the answer! Send your letter to the feedback address at the bottom of the page: Jerky, Here's a neat idea my wife came up with. Seeing how the cops cannot bust everyone at once, why don't all of us pot smokers save our seeds and 'Johnny Appleseed' everywhere we go? Being a weed, it would grow anywhere. What are the cops going to do when they notice whole neighborhoods full of the odoriferous herb? "Please destroy all your marijuana by burning it!" Imagine all the roads and flower gardens lined with Gonja.... there is no way in hell (or other negative karmic location) they could bust all of us. Who done it? They would be forced to legalize it because it would be a shame if the mayor, police chief, and fire department chiefs all got their possessions confiscated by law enforcement for cultivation. The jails arent big enough to house all these people, whether they smoke or not. Anyway, I gotta finish this hooter here. Who knows, maybe the idea might catch on. Signed: Dave Dear Dave; God-DAMN I love that idea! *** **** *** MGOLP Jerky; We your faithful readers in the Middle East have this common problem of having all cool sites blocked from being accessed. The companies providing the internet services block anything having anything that they seem unfit for their customers. Now they have done the truely unthinkable and blocked the Dirtier Dirt and your regular site photographs. Ease all our collective pain and tell us is there any way we can bypass the fuckin proxy servers? Will be eternally grateful. Signed: Sam Dear Sam; Yer old pal Jerky wishes he could help you, but when it comes to this networking stuff, he's about as useless as an Oscar mantle in Mariah Carrey's living room. If, however, there are any computronic geekazoids out there reading this, send yer old pal Jerky a solution to Sam's problem, and we'll run it in the Daily Dirt! *** **** *** Jerky; I am a soldier with the US Army stationed in Germany. My unit wasnt called up to go to Iraq because we were doing peace keeping missions in Bosnia. Well upon hearing this story about how brave PFC Lynch was and how she survived one thing came to mind, how can anybody call her a hero. Her unit got lost becouse they didnt know how to read a damn map. Some freinds and I where really pissed off over this. We are a combat arms unit and her unit is a support unit. I have seen the training that these REMF's (rear echelon motherfuckers) do. Basically they try to fuck one another insted of learning common soldiering skills. I am sick of hearing about this lost bitch. Give credit to the men who were up front doing the shooting and getting shot at. My brothers in arms. Stop making heros out of fucking idiots who get themselves got by an army that is not worth the shit. Thank You. Signed: A pissed off combat soldier. POCS; Whatever else you might think about the situation as a whole remember that - from capture to "rescue" to Pentagon PR frenzy to eventualy bubbling away into a strange-smelling yellow fog - absolutely none of it was PFC Lynch's fault in the least.

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: LET'S STOP KIDDING OURSELVES. THEY KNEW. Care of: WaywardSon I can't believe these people! With all of the evidence that points to our government (some of them anyway) knowing about the threat to the Twin Towers in advance, hence the calling of F.E.M.A. and placing them in position in lower Manhatten on the night of the 10th of Sept. Why hasn't anyone asked why the occupants of the Towers weren't warned by this "Administration"? Suspecting the events to happen strongly enough to put F.E.M.A in place, should have merited at least a warning to the inhabitants. The reason no one can find Saddam is because he is probably hiding in the same fucking Florida classroom, trying to get someone to listen to him about his fucking pet goat. Has it crossed anyone's mind that the anthrax scare, (which incidently had it's domestic origins), wasn't sent only to Congressmen... it was sent only to Democratic Congressmen? Now, I'm not a Democrat, but I am also not blind or a complete idiot. I use my mind to collect data and sort out what I can in good conscience accept as the truth. It has been many years since I have trusted the domestic Media Whores for any information about things happening here. The BBC knows more about what is going on here than our own media can bring itself to cover. Jobs are hard to come by, huh? People everywhere are saying remember 9-11. I'm all for that. I am also all for remembering that of the 19 hijackers, 15 were Saudi nationals, and not a fucking one of them were Iraqi. So logic dictates that we bomb Iraq and continue to kiss Saudi Arabia's ass until the pucker lines on Dubya's face can stand no more. - WaywardSon [Say our worst suspicions are correct. Say they* knew in advance about the terror attacks set for 9-11, and let it happen on purpose - or even made it happen, themselves, in a Northwoods-type scenario - because they knew it would give them carte blanche to roll out long-sought-after policy initiatives they otherwise never would have been able to implement - the liberty-shredding U.S.A.P.A.T.R.I.O.T.A.C.T., the freedom-mocking Homeland Security Act, giving themselves the Iraqi takeover they've been dreaming of since 1997 - and that it would be a surefire way to consolidate their functional power base for the foreseeable future. Say this becomes clearer and clearer with every heavily-censored "investigation" they choose to release to the public, with every contradictory story they try to get us to swallow in their cover-up panic, with every conveniently-timed insider "suicide." Say it gets so obvious, even some Republicans start waking up to the truth. Say a few brave souls call out this ruthless cabal and confront them with incontrovertible evidence of their base criminality... and they sneer and say: "So?" What then? Their hardcore, unshakable partisans are in control of the White House, the Senate, the House, the Pentagon, and the Supreme Court of the Land. With every public institution overtaken and corrupted beyond recongition, what hope do we have of ever seeing a reckoning? - Jerky] *The Powers That Be, whoever they may be

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