"THE BUCK STOPS OVER THERE SOMEWHERE!" *** ***** *** TOP TEN FUNNIEST PUNCHLINES I'VE READ THIS WEEK! 11. The front row of an N'Sync concert! 10. A hunting dog sics ducks. 9. "Oh my God! Schwartz is dead!" 8. To which the blonde replies: "How do you give shoulders?" 7. "Strange," said the middle guy, "I had a dream that I was skiing!" 6. To which the lifeguard replied: "Not from the diving board!" 5. Lucky replies: "I'll tell you why I call myself that. Had it been five minutes earlier, it would have hit me right between the eyes!" 4. "YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!!!" 3. So he leans over and tentatively whispers in her ear: "Can I pay in Canadian dollars?" 2. They named him Sum Ting Wong. 1. "No," the doctor says. "You have colon cancer!" Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com

ON THESE DAYS! July 23 On this day in 1982, during the filming of the John Landis segment of the Steven Speilberg production of The Twighlight Zone movie, actor Vic Morrow and two Vietnamese child actors are torn apart when a crippled helicopter falls right on top of them. Their grisly (though mercifully instantaneous) deaths are captured on film, from a half-dozen angles, for all the world to see, over and over again, on Fox's latest TV special: When Helicopters Attack Beloved Character Actors and the Vietnamese Child Actors They're Holding in Their Arms: Part One! On this day in 1984, the first ever black woman to be crowned Miss America is forced to step down when Penthouse publisher Bob Guccione reveals that he is in possession of photographs showing Williams taking part in a softcore lesbian romp. Because of the resulting press and exposure, Vanessa Williams went on to have the most lucrative career of any so-called "winner" in the history of the pageant. That's a fine kind of justice, all things considered.

THEY SAID IT! "Why has the uranium story puffed up so huge? It wouldn't have been a very big deal without the deepening crisis in Iraq. But it also has ballast because it clarifies an aspect of George W. Bush's essential character — specifically, the problem he has with telling the truth. ... The President seems to believe that wishing will make it so — and he is so stupendously incurious that he rarely makes an effort to find the truth of the matter. He misleads not only the nation but himself. Every worst-case Saddam scenario just had to be true, as did every best-case post-Saddam scenario. Bush's talent for self-deception extends to domestic and economic policy. But the country can no longer afford the President's self-delusions. ... Why is no one helping us in Iraq? A simple answer: Why on earth should they? The situation is a mess, in large part because of American arrogance." - In this piece for Time magazine, Primary Colors author Joe "Anonymous" Klein pretends to rip Preznit Dubya a new asshole, but in reality goes way too easy on him, by insinuating that his behavior is attributable to some sort of dementia, rather than a purposeful volition or criminal intent. Yer old pal Jerky doesn't buy it. *** *** *** "I was just reading a book about Son of Sam. The first time he tried to stab someone, he hit her and nothing happened. He expected her to fall over and be dead like in the movies, but it was nothing like the movies. The difference is so profound. It's the antithesis of the antiporn argument." - Unfairly-maligned director Brian DePalma (you didn't like Carlito's Way?!) says some interesting shit in this here interview from the mid-1980s, when everybody was still buzzing from all its cocaine and its Cold War and its video pornography revolution.

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by our old pal Jim Eby. In ancient Greece, Socrates was reputed to hold knowledge in high esteem. One day an acquaintance met the great philosopher and said, Socrates, do you know what I just heard about your friend?" Hold on a minute," Socrates replied. "Before telling me anything I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test." "Triple filter?" "That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my friend, it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?" "No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and..." "All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my friend something good?" "No, on the contrary..." "So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, but you're not certain it's true. You may still pass the test though, because there's one filter left: the filter of Happiness. Is what you want to tell me about my friend going to make me happy?" "No, not really." "Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good, nor will it make me happy, why tell it to me at all?" This explains why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why Socrates never found out his best friend was banging his wife. *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal Sheepfucker for sending in today's second joke. A construction worker comes home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. Incensed, he drags the man out to the garage and puts his johnson in a vise. He secures it and removes the vise handle, then picks up a hacksaw. The man, terrified, screams, "Stop! Stop! You’re not going to…to…cut it off, are you?" The husband shakes his head and hands him the hacksaw. "Nope—you are. I’m just going to set the garage on fire." WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's worst joke was sent in by "Commander". The joke itself is actually pretty funny. Yer old pal Jerky just didn't appreciate the fact that he signed off his e-mail with: "Just sign me" (dramatic pause that lasts three lines) "Commander." I mean sheesh, guy. Come on. A young blonde woman was sitting in a movie theater lobby crying. The theater manager sees her and asks "What's wrong?" Still blubbering she points to a poster of a movie and replies "I really wanted to see that movie but it says MUST BE 18!" Manager asks "Well, how old ARE you?" She said: "23."

ASK JERKY! Relationship troubles? Philosophical quandaries? Nagging doubts about your spouse? Jerky knows the answer! Send your letter to the feedback address at the bottom of the page: Jerky, It has been suggested that the only reason the British empire was once so extensive, was that their troops were simply looking for a decent meal. I suppose it took a lot of travel considering the choices where they started. Signed: J.C. Rich Hell, I can buy that explanation. India and Hong Kong have kick-ass cuisine! Unfortunately, there are two small problems with your theory: Canada and Australia! *** **** *** Dear Jerky; I can't believe you ran that story about the SS (Secret Service) "examining" Ramirez's cartoon without a link to the 'toon! Here it is! Signed: 11th Hour Thanks for the link, 11th. For the curious, the cartoon in question is dated July 20. After a quick perusal of the rest of Ramirez's obtuse, unfunny and insipid portfolio, I gotta ask: is it just yer old pal Jerky, or do this guy's political cartoons fuckin' SUCK?! Seriously, ignore the politics for a minute and concentrate on his technique... none of his shit makes any fucking sense whatsoever! He conveys his message in either a ham-handed fashion that insults his readers' inteligence, or else his imagery makes no sense at all! For more political cartoons, both good and bad, check out this awesome resource. WARNING!!! Only click that link if you aren't doing anything for the next day or two. *** **** *** Dear Jerky; Here's my problem. I have two women who I'm interested in. Girl A has huge tits and a relationship with her would definately be sexually hot. Girl B however is more like me and would be a better chance of having a long, fulfilling relationship. So basically my two choices are sex or love. I have thought long and hard over this, and I cant make the decision, so I leave it up to you. Signed: Wallosoup Dude; If they ever develop a technology that would allow this, would you be willing to switch places with me for a day or two? It would be a darn good trade! You could find out what it's like to be a sexless fat man who suffers from accute nihilism as he plods his way blindly through an impenetrable fog of soul-crushing depression! COME ON!!! I promise I won't jerk off, if you think that might freak you out.

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: A NEAR-SUCCESSFUL ATTEMPT TO DRIVE YOPJ TO SUICIDE Care of: Russ Darden Sorry to hear the docs making you slow down. Heck I was born a year or two earlier than you (I was learning to walk when we faked the moon shot) yet I still put down a serious fork and knife. We'll chalk it up to my non-meat eating. Anyway about the English and food. Yes, the British are culinarily deficient, but ya can't bang on em for greasy breakfast! Aren't you form the south? Of Cajun extraction (mon frere)? Heck I remember eating such delicacies as grits and grillades, you know filleted steak pounded flat, fried and served with a side of grits, and than covered in red-eye (marrow) gravy. Or the old regular; Sunny side up eggs (back when you could get them before the ecoli scare) grits, Haydels sausage, some bacon for the grits, and some kind of bread or toast. All covered in butter. My personal favorite Louisiana breakfast is the beignet. You know, the Frenchy-Creole version of a doughnut, square instead of round, covered in powdered sugar, with coffee and chicory served cafe-au-lait. I used to finish drinking around 4 or 5am, than cross Jackson square to The Cafe Du Monde and eat like 4 or five servings (coffee refills were free back then) until the sun came up. Then I could catch the streetcar home and crawl into bed, my moms would have gone to work. Now that is just breakfast! What about Cajun-Creole main dishes? Oyster Po-Boys! Which is spelled MAY-O-NAISE in the local dialect. Heck I remember getting hamburger poboys when I was a kid. That was like french bread, mayo, lettuce, tomato, pickles etc and 3 or 4 hamburger patties. Then there is the venerable red beans and rice, beans with hamhock, rice, a 12" sausage link, and 8-10 pieces of buttered french bread. I don't know what my point was. Oh yeah Cajuns may be fat and eat greasy food and have a high rate of cancer and COPD, but we cook way better than any bunch of limey wot wot govnas. Heck, we even have a town named English Turn, we were so happy to see them leave. Imagine if the British had been able to take New Orleans in 1814? Cajun food would be boiled instead! - Russ Darden [RAAAAAGGGHHH!!!! Oh my Holy FUCK!!! Are you evil cocksucking motherfuckers trying to get me to go out on the highway and drive my pickup head-on into an oncoming tractor trailer at top speed?!?! STOP with the FOOD stuff already, for Godzilla's sake!!! - Hungry Hungry Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com