MUST-SEE ONLINE VIDEOS FOR YOUR HOLIDAY WEEKEND! HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY WEEKEND EVERYBODY! If you're a fan of contemporary classic animation in the Venture Bros. vein, and you missed watching Adult Swim's trial presentation of the pilot episode for Korgoth of Barbaria, don't worry about it, because YouTube.com has the entire thing in three parts: Part One, Part Two and Part Three. This cartoon is truly a marvel... it's like a Frank Frazetta painting leapt off the side of a 70's stoner van and into your TV set, but only after being filtered through a stack of 50's-era Mad Magazines. And if that pitch doesn't get you to watch, there's no fucking hope for you. Are your web wanderings being tracked by a bunch of NSA goons in that secret room in San Francisco that AT&T has admitted giving them to do so? Wanna find out? Then follow the instructions provided by WiReD, available here. If you thought last week's cartoon link collection was something -- and I have a feeling that some of you haven't been very productive at work since I ran it -- then wait'll you take a gander at this motherlode of 80's music videos put together by King of Beaver and his good friends Mister T and a sentient Cube de la Rubik. Sure, a lot of the music is total crap, but there are some real rarities and gems in there, plus a lot of videos yer old pal Jerky didn't even know existed, for songs he's always enjoyed. Max Headroom's Paranomia, anyone? How about some Oran "Juice" Jones, or some Opus? Come on... you know you want it! When it comes to the world of finance and investment, if you're anything like yer old pal Jerky, you stand outside looking in, thinking: "God damn me if that doesn't look just like a giant ponzi scheme designed with the express intention of vacuuming the scant few shekels still held by the ever-shrinking minority of sub-elite classes with enough savings to make them worth stealing from these days." Sounds kind of defeatist, doesn't it? Like maybe I've got a mouthful of sour grapes. Well, that may be so, but after checking out this lucid, detailed and thorough breakdown of the rampant loophole exploitation that is irreparably corrupting America's capital markets (i.e. your savings), I can at least feel justified in my knee-jerk position... and a lot more knowledgable about how the stock market works, in general. Those of you lucky enough to live in or near a city with a Scientology Center are probably at least tangentially familiar with their sucker-fishing tactics. They set up a table outside the store, offering free "personality tests" to passers-by. Everybody who takes the test, of course, is diagnosed as being desperately in need of Dianetics auditing. If you fall for the pitch, what happens next is you're invited to stop in at a later date and watch a special video explaining how great and legitimate Scientology is, and how you'd be a damn fool to pass up the opportunity to dramatically improve yourself. Until now, if you wanted to see this notoriously hilarious recruitment video, you've had to go through the rigmarole of taking the test and getting yourself invited. Fortunately, somebody somewhere had the good sense to sneak in a videocamera, tape the thing, then upload it to the web for the betterment of all mankind. Enjoy! And please, feel free to send in your choice for "goofiest quote" from this absolutely brain-scrambling, half-hour slice of rancid propaganda cake. My choice so far is the following bit of dialogue, delivered in a General Jack D. Ripper monotone by Scientology's moustachio'd and virulently anti-psychiatry 'Director of Processing': "When you think of what Dianetics and Scientology can do, really help children and people learn, handle drugs, handle crime, save happiness and lives, and all the other things that I see it doing every day, only a raving lunatic would try to harm Dianetics and Scientology… or Scientologists for that matter! Heheh… They need psychiatric help. That would finish them." Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com

ON THIS DAY June 29 On this day in 1955, Bill Haley and His Comets hit the top of the charts with the immortal Rock Around the Clock, which contains one of the most blistering guitar solos ever slapped on wax. Still a damn good ditty, even after all this time. When the sitcom Happy Days dropped Rock Around the Clock as their theme song in favor of the ridiculous, eponymous Happy Days ("Sunday, Monday, Happydays"), that was a sad, sad day. On this day in 1967, mammarific "actress" Jayne Mansfield is all but decapitated in a horrible car crash. Thankfully, her tits escaped unscathed, so Jayne's lucrative showbiz career was able to continue for a few more weeks. On this day in 1989, Susan Lucci loses the daytime Emmy for the tenth straight year. Chaos ensues.

THEY SAID IT! "President Bush appears to be losing support among a key group of voters who had hitherto stood firmly with the president even as his poll numbers among other groups fell dramatically. A new Gallup poll shows that, for the first time, Bush's approval rating has fallen below 50% among total fucking morons, and now stands at 44%. This represents a dramatic drop compared to a poll taken just last December, when 62% of total fucking morons expressed support for the president and his policies." - Always remember, bad news for the Bush Crime Family is good news for the rest of us! *** **** *** "We don't need no thought control." - Wherever Roger Waters goes, he keeps banging his fists against -- and leaving his mark upon -- The Wall.

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by Jim Eby! Two guys were at a circus fair and were trying some of the rides when they came to the bungee jump. One says to the other, "How about it?" The other replies, "No way! I came in to this world cuz of a broken rubber and I'm not leaving it the same way!" *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal Nan or Ben for sending in today's second joke. Well, it's not a midlife crisis, but here's how things worked out for me. Married 32 years, took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 32 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 20 year old. Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 52 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things." My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 20 year old blond to sleep with, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed, and not have anything nicer than a 10 inch black and white TV. WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's groaner was sent in by YOPDMZ... Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died, Robert decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So he went to a singles bar and he searched until he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away. "Right now, I'm just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but within a month or two, my father will pass and I'll inherit over 20 million dollars." The woman went home with Robert. Four days later she became his stepmother.

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: THIS VIN # NONSENSE care of: Turtle MOPJ, OK, I have waited for one of your astute readers to reply to this VIN nonsense. I have worked in the parts dept. of a few dealerships selling keys. If you bring me the VIN # of a vehicle thats not more than 6 years old, I can cut you a key. But you must first fill out a registration card with all of your info on it. Then I must see your ID to confirm the info on the card is correct. Only after all of this is done am I able to cut you a key. I can't say that everyone is doing it this way, but at the places I have worked it is always done this way to cover our asses. Having said that I must also say that there is a defect in the process. Anyone can ask for a key to your car and get it. If your car is stolen, the police NEVER come to the dealership to ask if we have cut a key to the car. I have had to follow this procedure since '92. But the automobile manufacturer's are able to stop most auto thefts tomorrow by simply upgrading their ignition systems. They refuse, saying that the cost would be prohibitive. It would cost about $100 to the consumer. Car theft accounts for a considerable percentage of car sales. No thefts=less sales. Oh, and when you cover your VIN on the dash, do you also cover the one lasered into the windshield? Thanks for listening, Turtle [Another one bites the dust! - Jerky] FIRST AMENDMENT ZONE / ASK JERKY! Jerky; I believe the music sample in that booby flash thing from yesterday is from a song called "Dreadlock Holiday", by the 10cc. If I recall correctly, they had greater success over here in GB than they did across the pond. Cheers! Rog [Thanks, Rog! Also thanks to ACD, Henk Poli, Bundy Al, Skid, Rob Canuck, Joe Photo and Mudshark, who also correctly identified the tune. - Jerky] *** **** *** Old Pal Jerky; I’m not sure why the all the questions about the Christian religion are perceived as so complex. For me it breaks down as follows. A: it’s all a made up myth in which case I will just live the best life I can and try to be a good person. B: The bible is literally correct in which case God is an evil cocksucker and I will have nothing to do with him so I will live the best life I can and try to be a good person. Or C: It’s somewhere in between and there is no way for sure what it might be so I will just live the best life I can and try to be a good person. Just a thought. Finnegan [Hey, Finnegan! Long time no see! - Jerky] *** **** *** jerky, Is it me or would almost everybody who can see a fucking crook, when they are around, like to catch george (Small G) and dick (Small dick) in a bar and whip their tuff acting asssssssssssssssesssssssss. Thanks, apeman1975 [I think it's just you, but don't let that stop you. - Jerky] *** **** *** Hi Jerky; Just musing over a comment that churches today are run like multinational businesses. I realised multinationals are run like churches. What was the first multinational business? The Church! Or am I wrong? Yer Mate Sklag [First multinational business? That's a good question. According to the American Enterprise Institute, "Benedictine monasteries" became "the first multinational business corporations [by] organizing long-term economic systems for efficient, lawlike, and rational production." Personally, yer old pal Jerky thinks the slave trade went multinational long before there were any Benedictine monks. - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerky; "yyuryyubicuryy4me" = "two wise you are, two wise you be, I see you are two wise for me!" I was stumped by this in high school, by the idiot, tommy lefevre! Whittlin' Fool [Thanks, WF. That was naggin' at me. - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerkmeister, Your comment that seeing a golfer get zapped by lightening might be enjoyable makes me pause and even consider divorce. I love to golf , fresh air, walking, beer & gambling . The thought of interrupting all that fun with a dose of a bazillion volts of electricity makes my nads head north. Dave Hansen [Come on, maaan! I was only joshing. Don't go all Thailand on me! - Jerky] *** **** *** Hail Jerkey One, June 28th! You're gettin' there brother. Keep on strokin' dem keys. Cheers, YOPMick [Thanks for the encouragement, Mick! - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com